In focus

    

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to have a family. I was never the girl who was crazy about babies or desperate to meet her husband, but I always knew that I wanted both. From time to time, when the situation warranted it, I imagined my future family in various scenarios. Their faces were always blurry. One of the neatest things about bringing Liv home has been the realization that we're all here now. No more blurry faces. This is my family.

Oliver goes back to work tomorrow, leaving me alone with Nils and Liv. I will freely admit to being a little terrified. Much more pleasant to contemplate is the fact that Oliver and I just spent the last two weeks hanging out at home with two people we invented. Amazing.

But seriously. Pray for me. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.
   

Liv

I woke up at 12:45. 45 minutes into Wednesday and 11 hours before my scheduled c section. Was that..? No. NO. No way. Not happening. I rested quietly, hoping the contraction I had just felt was a one off. I'd been feeling them all week. This was probably just another strong practice contraction.

About 15 minutes later I felt another one. And then about 15 minutes after that one. Then a fourth. I was not prepared for labor. My assumption had been orderly, planned c section. Instead, this seemed like it was going to be messy, unpredictable, frightening labor.

Messy, unpredictable, and frightening ended up being the best things I could have imagined. Liv was born at 9:27 that morning, 90 minutes before our surgery would have started.

*

We named her Liv. A simple, elegant name. One that had two subtle, special characteristics. First, like Nils, Liv plays with the letters from Oliver's and my names. More specifically: you can spell Nils with the letters from our names, but you can't spell it without Allison. With Liv, you need Oliver. The Allison is optional. It's a silly little thing, but I like it. We are a family of letters and words, after all. I've always lived my life through words - sucking in the world through books and spitting it back out in writing. Oliver lives his life in a second language. Words are our thing.

Second: I love the fact that her name, as we pronounce it, is a tiny bit of coded instruction for her. If there comes a day that I am not here for her, she will nonetheless know exactly the advice I would give. Live. Don't make the safe, easy choices if they will keep you from being the best version of yourself. Don't waste your time with insecurity or negativity. Bloom where you're planted. Live boldly and kindly, and listen to your inner voice.

     

Birthday makings

   
Nils turned two back in January. There is so much I could say about it vis-a-vis what an amazing little kid he is, how much he has made our lives better, how much we have learned from / because of him, etc. I would love to write about all this at length, but the reality is that tomorrow is the official due date for Nils's little sister and I don't have it in me to string too many thoughts together. 

Much simpler: photos! Of things I made for him! (For his birthday!) First up: the Giggi cake (pronunciation key: two hard Gs) Giggi is Nils's absolute favorite toy. He came up with the name himself - we have no idea where it came from - and Giggi comes with us almost everywhere we go. Giggi even made it into our family pictures this year:

Nils's birthday fell on a Monday this year, and since we weren't doing an actual party that day I wanted to make a little cake for just the three of us. He's such a little person now, with favorite things and quirky little interests; I really wanted the cake to be something that he would get excited about. What could possibly be more exciting than his best friend?

I was really proud of myself here. The fur and the muzzle are just slightly different shades. Ah, nuance. Just what you want in a homemade birthday cake.

Also part of our at-home birthday festivities: the birthday banner I made for him last year. I have grand visions of making this banner a part of every birthday (for both kiddos). They won't pay too much attention to it, but someday way down the line they'll stumble across it in a storage box and get hit with a wave of nostalgia.

The banner will easily bestow birthday blessings on the new babe, too. Each letter is its own little piece. Couldn't be easier to swap out N-I-L-S for X-Y-Z.

Lastly, a quick shot of the birthday cake I made for Nils's joint birthday party with one of his best buddies. Both little guys love taxis, so this was a no brainer.

The taxi cake was not my best work, but people at the party were so taken aback that someone actually MADE a cake that no one seemed to mind the slightly sloppy work. And Nils and his buddy were both excited. "Taxi!" - that's a direct quote.

While I'm at it, my best work. It's the cake I made last year for Nils's first birthday. A robot cake, back when we still had to guess what sorts of things he might be into. (Oliver's still hoping he'll turn out to be an engineer)

Celebrating

       

   
It occurs to me that I should be reveling.

My pregnancy with Nils was 9 months of a giddy, golden haze. I walked around with a permanent smile on my face. Every time I found myself alone in a room with a mirror, I turned sideways and checked out the belly. I read books, took classes, shopped, and planned all with a single goal in mind: being actively pregnant. It wasn't enough to be physically pregnant; I wanted it to take up all my thoughts as well. At one point I said to a friend "I have three months to go, and I literally can't wait." 

This time around, things are completely different. I'm so glad I don't need to read any books, take any classes, go out and buy many things - I can't bear the thought of doing any of those things. I get flashes of excitement, but I also occasionally forget that I'm pregnant. This little one is no less wanted, no less loved than her brother. It's just... old hat. Pregnancy isn't novel for me any more. And I'm not in a hurry for her to arrive. It'll be lovely, of course, but there's no rush.

I should do a little more celebrating, though. I've got two weeks left, and then I'll probably never be pregnant again. Never again! This is such a unique experience! I should sit down and focus on it. I should rub my belly a little more. I should be taking it all in.

So yeah. I'm going to get right on that.

3 weeks

   
"What was the hardest part of going from one child to two?" I asked the friend of a friend today. The three of us were at a playground, stealing bits of conversation while our boys ran in circles around us.

"Time management," her simple answer.

I'm nervous. Excited of course, but nervous. I've only got about 3 weeks before this baby arrives, and YIKES is that not a lot of time. 3 weeks? There's just no way... right? Especially since I have to jump through a wall of fire before this is all done. Jumping through a wall of fire takes time. 3 weeks doesn't cover it.

I'm not nervous about having a newborn again. Eat, sleep, cry, poop. Simple. I'm not especially nervous about the post-partum difficulties that may await me. It was difficult last time, but it was short term. I can handle short term.

What I'm really nervous about is time. Will I lose it all? Will I have enough for each child? Will I have any for Oliver? Will I get to keep any for myself? I've gotten to a pretty good place, time wise, with my one child. Days are full-to-hectic and some things slip through the cracks, but overall I feel like I've got a handle on it. I'm able to keep my house in order, able to pursue my interests in a limited fashion, and I can pause for breath when I need to. Are these days numbered?

I picture frustration. I see myself constantly tending to immediate needs: Who pooped? Change of clothes? Too much laundry piling up! Shoot, it's lunch time. Let's get some food made. Gotta clean up the kitchen. Nils, I'll help you with the puzzle in a minute; let me just load the dishwasher first. Sweetie, don't whine. You need to be patient. Why is the baby crying? Is she hungry? Better sit down and feed her. Nils, we forgot to wash your hands after lunch! Let me just finish feeding your sister. How soon until everything else piles up and I cry the bitter tears of a woman who can no longer live an orderly life?

Deep breath.

I keep reminding myself of something a good friend said shortly after she had her second baby. Yes, it was more work, she said, but she was just so happy that both her children were now here with her. What a great way to look at it. In a mere 3 weeks I will have both my children here with me. That's so much better than a tidy home and a stack of answered emails.

Stuff I made: 2012 / 2013 (first installment)

Remember back when Nils was born? I kept posting about all the little things I was making him. Ah, that was fun. In the months (almost 24!) that have followed, I haven't been so good at posting. I've made a number of things that I never blogged about.

I know. Your heart's just breaking. Isn't it.

In recent weeks I've gotten caught up in knitting fever. Maybe I can even post about some of these things? And maybe I can go back in time and show you some of the other things I've made? Things I've sewn, knitted, etc.?

First up: a winter hat for Nils. Knitting cables! My first attempt. Turned out pretty well. Which is more than I can say for a number of the knitting projects that preceded it. Which, hm, might be why I haven't been posting so much. Ahem.

Photos?

 Standard view

 From the side!

 Hat in action.

From the top

To me, there is nothing cuter than my little boy in something I made for him. Thank you Nils, for not pulling this hat off .5 seconds after I put it on your head. Thank you for not tossing it out of the stroller somewhere in Brooklyn Heights like you did with the first hat I ever made you. (Serves me right. That wool was scratchy) Thank you for posing so sweetly and allowing me to document this hat before we inevitably lose it somewhere this winter.

Thing #7

     

Getting close to the end of the year, aren't we? I think we're going to have to let this little to-do list bleed over into 2013. No matter.

Thing #7: Go to 3 new museums

Oliver and I were good at museums before Nils came along. Art, history, design, etc. I have a wonderful memory of going to the Met one Sunday afternoon while I was 8 months pregnant. By myself, just wandering, feeling warm and happy while I looked at landscape paintings. Post Nils we have done very little in the way of museum visits, but this year I wanted to give it a go. Maybe find a new place or two that we could all get something out of. Thank you, New York. You make this sort of thing so easy.


#1: The American Museum of Natural History

Okay, full disclosure: I had actually been to this museum before. Oliver hadn't though, and neither had Nils, so two out of three counts. It was too dark inside to get good photos, so please excuse the blurry shots of Nils in the hall of mammals.

Nils spent most of the time running around, stopping only occasionally to point at something and say "elephant!" or "fish!" (though we did get him to thump his chest like a gorilla) Oliver and I managed to take in some of the exhibits, but this museum is probably better with an, um, 4 year old? 5 year old? Time will tell.


#2: The Intrepid Museum

So cool. It's an aircraft carrier (The USS Intrepid) with all sorts of planes and helicopters on the deck...

a captain's bridge complete with dials to turn...

And best of all, a space shuttle! The Enterprise, which I was excited to see. A space shuttle! In person! I don't know if Nils was all that into it, but Oliver and I were pretty thrilled.

#3: The Transit Museum

A no brainer. Trains and buses... paradise for this kid. He cried when we had to leave, and even I felt a little pang when I had to part from the museum's lower level - an out-of-commission subway station full of old subway cars. Cars that span the whole of the 20th century, complete with vintage advertisements and interesting details like wicker seats and ceiling fans. A tiny, tiny little slice of world history. I love that sort of thing.