Tumbling

   
I've got this beautiful image going through my head, over and over again. I'm in some vaguely tropical place, swimming deep underwater off the coast. Maybe 20 or 30 feet. Diving, perhaps. The current is pulling me and pulling me, then is suddenly like a tidal wave passing on its way to the shore. It tosses me, I'm tumbling and tumbling. Head over heels, my fins arc over my head. The water is a clear, bright blue and I can hear it bubbling all around me. There is nothing to grab and so I let myself spin and flail. There is no danger.

Then suddenly I'm at the surface. I take in a big gulp of air. Good lord, that was incredible. I look to the shore.

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I've spent the last two and a half years tumbling. The disorientation is more powerful right now - having an infant in my life seems to do that to me. For some reason I have babies and suddenly everything is up for grabs. What defines me? How do I feel about everyone around me? How do I want to spend my time? What makes me laugh? I thought I did all my major re-orienting with Nils, but here I go again.

I love it, feeling off kilter like this. It's as though I could wake up tomorrow and something new could click into place. "You know what? The culture of irony falls flat with me now." Or, "I think I'm losing my itch to travel."  Little things, big things... everything is swirling around me, just out of reach.

I imagine things will settle at some point soon. When I pop up for air and look to the shore, what will I see? Will the landscape be completely transformed? What landmarks will I still recognize?

Having my children has made me feel so beautifully unimportant. There is, of course, the shifting mf my focus from me to them. There is also though, a new understanding of just how powerful the force of life is. I can put together
a view of the world and hold to it as tightly as I want; no matter. It is ripped out of my hands with ease.

The uncertainty... wow. I am so grateful for it.

What I wonder now is this: what other "tidal waves" await? What other events will throw me off balance and force me to remember that I am not a finished product?