From the get go, I knew I was having a boy. I knew it. I wasn't happy about it at first (girls are more affectionate! They talk about feelings! Their clothes are cuter and their names are more fun!), but I talked myself into an acceptance of my fate, and that acceptance eventually became excitement. Yesterday, when I woke up for my doctor's appointment - the one that would tell us once and for all just what it was I was building in there - I actually thought "oh no, what if it's a girl? I don't want a girl." Progress.
By the time we got the official word - yes, boy - I was both completely unsurprised and thrilled. "I knew it!" I shouted, jabbing a finger in the direction of the ultrasound tech. Beside me, Oliver nodded wordlessly. We make a lovely couple, don't we?
After the appointment, I skipped along the blocks to the subway station. "Boy! boy! boy!", the running chorus in my head. I passed people on the street, attempting to pierce them down to their souls with my happiness. "Boy! boy! boy!" On a corner of 29th somewhere between Madison Avenue and Broadway, I noticed a church with an installation of some sort along its fence. Big blue and yellow ribbons were tied to the rail, thousands of them. A white tag with a name and number hung from each. Still bouncing, but with my interest piqued, I glanced at them as I passed. I figured out pretty quickly that the numbers were ages, and that the names had military titles attached - private, corporal, sergeant.
Oh.
How many of those boys' mothers skipped along at one point, shouting "boy!" to themselves and making all sorts of plans? How many of them had daily conversations with their unborn little ones, saying things like "I'm always going to be here; you'll never be alone," and "I'll never let anything hurt you"? Who am I to think I can make promises like those? How can I possibly fight against all those forces out there, any one of which can crush me at will?
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