How quickly you forget

         

6 weeks old? 5? Fast asleep the only way she would do it... in someone's arms.

I took Liv to her six month pediatrician's appointment earlier this week (98th percentile in head circumference! Where did that come from?), and she screamed for the entire 40 minutes of our walk home. Raged.

Poor thing, it wasn't her fault. The walk to the pediatrician came smack in the middle of what should have been her morning nap. Then the vaccinations and general prodding by the doctor certainly kept her awake. By the time we were ready to head home she was at the end of her little rope. Every bump on the sidewalk set her off. Every ray of sunlight that made it past her stroller's sunshade enraged her. Once we made it home I literally ran up the stairs to our apartment and headed straight for her crib.

Poor thing.

Did I mention that I spent the final 10 minutes of that walk repeating "God, give me patience. Give me compassion. Make me a stronger person" over and over again? I had to keep reminding myself that she was just a little thing and she needed my help, etc. Such a sweet thing - the noise! It's making me crazy! - Poor darling.

I also mentally composed a facebook rant during our walk home, one I wisely decided not to publish once we had all calmed down. Something about "the next stranger who stops me on the street and tells me to "enjoy this time with your little tiny ones... it goes by so fast" - I'm going to come to your house at 3 in the morning and cry loudly for half an hour..." There was also some stuff about demanding food but refusing all offerings, taking all their possessions and throwing them in piles on the floor, yelling at them when they didn't run fast enough to the fridge to get me a cup of milk... 40 minutes of screaming never brings out the best in me.

My two are, without a doubt, the best things in my life. No question. Additionally, I am grateful for every day I can spend at home with them. The days are rewarding and exhausting and the positives so greatly outweigh the negatives... but there are negatives. Of course there are negatives. And every time an older person with fully-grown children (and free time!) tells me to "enjoy this time", I sense a rebuke. An unintentional one, but a rebuke all the same. No negative. All positive. How dare you.

I felt this most keenly when Liv was in her first two months. Two small ones, one of whom would begin howling the moment you tried to put her down ... there wasn't even space in my day to make a cup of tea. Getting out the door was such a struggle. Being outside was a struggle. Getting back in the door was a struggle. Struggle struggle struggle. You get the idea. I shut myself in the bathroom a couple times and just cried. I think that's pretty common.

I counted the days until Liv would hit the three month mark and things would ease up. And every time someone saw me trying to hold it together and said "Oh, enjoy this time!", I did my best to keep my smile polite. Easy to remember the good stuff, lady. Would you like me to remind you about the hard parts?

And then it happened. Yesterday I uploaded photos from my camera, some of which were taken way back when Liv was wee wee tiny. Awwwww, so cuuuuuute! I miss tiny baby Liv! Look at her, napping on my chest. Those were the best days.