Connected unconnected thoughts

  
A few weeks ago I found out that I had lost my job. Budget cuts, apologies from my boss, etc. It was a shock. I looked over at Nils, giggling and kicking his feet on a blanket, and felt like everything had just shifted. No longer a woman on leave, I was now an unemployed librarian - and one who already had a three month gap on her resume. Or, looking at it another way, I was suddenly a stay at home mom. What had been a lovely break, precious time with my baby, now became... what had it become exactly? Who was I now? Why was it that everything I did now seemed trivial and silly? Where exactly did I fit in?


A week and a half later, I found out that I had gotten my job back. Budget finangling, exclamations from my boss, etc. Another shock. I had just gotten used to the idea of being home with Nils for a bit longer. I had adjusted my expectations and made new plans. Okay, so now I was a mom who worked part time? Good, right? Wasn't that what I wanted?


Just this past week I was in North Dakota, visiting some relatives. A cousin and I took a walk late one night, Nils in tow. The air was cool and Nils slept on my chest in the carrier. The town was dead silent; houses to our right and fields stretching out forever to our left. Far off in the distance the lights of Fargo made a halo. Everything seemed so small and enormous at the same time. All I could think was "I'm just one little person, walking along one tiny road in one of a million small towns. I am insignificant. So incredibly insignificant." It felt good.


Every night before I go to sleep I pray. "God, take whatever you want from me. Take everything from me. Leave me joyless and hopeless; whatever works best for you. Just watch over every single hair on his little head."